Double Entendre
by speaks
Summary: When Nino and Alya discover the secret phones Marinette and Adrien use to keep in contact with each other as Lady and Chat outside of costume, they assume their friends have discovered their secrets. But there is a chance that Nino and Alya have connected all the wrong dots, here. A chance which leads to the most awkward and terrifying date in the history of humanity.
1. Part One

I was cackling the entire time I was writing this. In which I am Alya. We are all Alya, I think.

* * *

 **Double entendre:** A turn of phrase that transcends the french language. Literally, "double meaning."

* * *

.

.

When Adrien's phone rang, Nino was on his laptop playing Pacman, whiling away the time before Adrien finished whatever skin rituals his modeling career required him to do in that fancyass shower of his. At the unfamiliar ringtone, Nino pulled his headphones off onto his shoulders and contemplated answering it. Adrien had gotten into the shower more than ten minutes ago, so he could potentially be out any minute. It was reasonable to think he could call them back when he got out.

Then again, it could be Nathalie, or someone like thatㅡAKA someone who might be irritated about the missed call. At the unwelcome thought of someone yelling at his delicate marshmallow of a friend, Nino slipped off the bed to to answer the phone and let whoever was calling know that they should call back in a few minutes. It had already been ringing for fifteen seconds, so he jogged over to Adrien's desk where the familiar black iphone sat by the keyboard. But when Nino picked it up, his face pulled into unattractive confusion.

The screen was dark. Yet even as he looked at the phone he heard it ring again...

...from underneath the desk?

Setting the idle iphone back down, Nino pulled out the computer chair to reveal Adrien's messenger bag on the ground below, wherein the telltale ring was coming from. Huh. That was really weird. Had Adrien gotten a second phone for work-related stuff or something? If so, it was probably even more urgent that it was answered. After some frantic digging, Nino finally uncovered the mystery phone at the bottom of an internal zipper pocketㅡit turned out to be a significantly cheaper-looking smartphoneㅡand answered it before it went to voicemail.

"Uhh… Hello?"

There was a moment of silence on the other line, during which Nino pulled the phone away from his face to take a look at the contact name. He did a comical double take and hit his head on the underside of the desk when he saw what Adrien had named the caller.

 **[Love of my life]**

 _00:06…_

 _00:07…_

 _00:08…_

The caller still hadn't spoken up. Nino shot a bewildered glance toward the bathroom, from which the sound of running water still leaked through the crack under the closed door. He cleared his throat. "Helloo?" he fished.

The caller made a choking sound before hissing at him. " _Nino?"_

No. No way. He would know that voice anywhereㅡbut it couldn't be. Could it? He shot another glance at the bathroom door, this time contemplating breaking the door down and murdering his best friend in cold blood. But he had to be sure first. "Alya?" he ventured angrily.

"Alya," she confirmed, her voice full of vitriol.

Which he did not understand. He was the one who should be pissed off right now! What the fuck! "What the hell are you doing calling this phone?" he spat, checking the contact name again, hoping he had simply misread it and that his girlfriend was not cheating on him with his best friend.

 **[Love of my life]**

 _00:19…_

Nope. Didn't imagine that.

"What am _I_ doing?" Alya shrieked. "What are _you_ doing _answering_ this phone?!"

"Wait, what? What is that supposed to mean?"

Something was off. If he had really just caught Alya cheating (which, first off, was a situation he had never in a zillion years even contemplatedㅡespecially with _Adrien_ , of all people, who he had met first and would never do that to Nino or anyone) then this was not how she would react. She would be defensive, right? Not accusative.

Alya seemed to grow confused at the same moment he did, because her quiet scream-breathing slowed and calmed. "Hang on," she breathed. "Let's talk about this for a second before we finish jumping to conclusions. Why don't you tell me what the hell _you_ think is going on, before I kill you."

"Alright," Nino began. _Calm, bro. Calm as a clam._ "I spent the night at Adrien's last night and he's in the shower right now. I heard his phone ringing so I tried to answer it, but it wasn't his regular phone, it was some other secret burner phone or something? And I answered it and the contact name is love of my life and then it was _you_ , so what the fuck am I supposed to think isㅡ"

"Oh my god."

"What?"

"Oh my god, Nino. Oh my god!"

"What!"

" _Nino,"_ she pressed, then devolved into manic giggles. All of his anger whooshed out. This was obviously not bad, if she was giggling like that. Something good must be happening.

.

.

In Marinette's bedroom, Alya took a second to spin around in Marinette's desk chair and gloat at the last picture of Adrien that Marinette had never mustered the willpower to take down, right above her best friend's nightstand. "I spent the night at Marinette's last night," she explained over the phone. "She's downstairs with her parents right now eating breakfast, and I came back up to her room to look for the pre-calc notes I lent her yesterday. I was looking through her backpack when I found a secret phone."

"Oh my god."

"I know," Alya crowed. She pulled the unfamiliar flip phone away from her face again to admire it, and the sheer gall of the whole situation.

 **[him]**

 _00:49…_

"Nino, the number for the phone you just picked up was the _only contact programmed in here_."

"Are you serious? Hang on." He navigated to the settings menu to check Adrien's contacts, and found that the same was true for this phone too. Only one contact listed. Love of my life. "Holy shit, same here."

"You know what this means, right? Marinette and Adrien are secretly dating. _Secretly. Dating._ And they didn't even tell us! What the shit?!"

"Crap," Nino whispered. "The shower just shut off. Gotta go."

"Wait wait wait!" Alya hissed into the receiver. "Meet me at the park by the school in one hour. Bring your boy, and _tell_ that sneaky bastard that I'm bringing my girl. The jig is so fucking up."

"Hell yeah!" Nino whispered. "Double date! Finally! See you there, hot stuff."

Alya snapped Marinette's secret flip phone shut, a slow devilish smile taking over her face. That adorable little runt was so freaking dead. "Oi!" she bellowed at the top of her lungs. "Marinette! Get up here!"

.

.

Back in Adrien's room, the so-called sneaky bastard himself sauntered out of the bathroom in khakis and a soft crimson button-up, still drying his hair with a fluffy towel. "Okay," he announced, "bathroom's free, Nino. Have at it if you want."

"So, how long were you gonna keep it a secret?"

Adrien jumped violently at the word 'secret,' wheeling around to see that Nino had been leaning right up against the wall next to the bathroom door, waiting for him to emerge. And he had a dead serious look on his face. Oh no. Oh _no._ "Um… keep what a secret?" he offered weakly. Because really, he only had one secret, and if Nino had somehow uncovered it then he was royally screwed. Ladybug was going to throw him to the dogs!

"Don't bother playing dumb," Nino deadpanned, uncrossing his arms as he appraised him. "The love of your life called while you were in the shower. I found your secret phone." He pulled said phone out of his jean pocket as he spoke, completing Adrien's transcendence into the realm of eternal horror.

"Oh," was all he could manage as the color drained from his face. _I swear I had that on silent._

But that was that. The secret was no more. Ladybug had called him and Nino had answered and spoken to her, so now he very obviously knew that Adrien was Chat Noir.

Enter: panic mode.

"You talked to her? What did you say? What did _she_ say? Did you tell her whoㅡ"

"Hold up," Nino interrupted, his hardened face softening a bit. "I'm still on the _secret_ part."

"I'm so sorry," Adrien gushed, on a roll now and unable to stop himself. "I would have told you if I could, Nino, but she said we should keep it a secret and I just, I trusted her judgement! I wanted to tell you, I did. But I trust her. Please don't be angry. She's so smart; you would understand if you knew her the way I do."

"Which is apparently _really well_ ," Nino scolded, holding up the phone again. "I mean, seriously. You sap. You hopeless cad. Love of my life? I literally cannot believe this."

Adrien snatched his Chat phone from Nino, the color returning to his face with a vengeance, heating it up to a thousand degrees celsius. "Shut up. It's not like that, okay?" It was one thing having Nino know he was Chat Noir. It was simply too much having Nino also think that Chat Noir and Ladybug were actually an item when they very much weren't. Much to his chagrin, Plagg had been right. Adrien never should have named her that in his contacts. But then again, when he bought the stupid phone he never thought anyone else would ever use it!

"Sure it isn't," Nino gloated, obviously not believing a word he was saying. "And Romeo and Juliet were just reeeally good friends."

Adrien's jaw flapped comically. "Nino!"

"Chop chop, Romeo, get your shoes on."

Adrien watched his best friend walk toward the exit, and realized for the first time that he had already put his sneakers on and finished getting dressed. "Why? Where are we going?"

"Duh," Nino drawled, one hand on the doorknob. "Alya and I have been waiting our whole stupid lives to go on a double date with you oblivious morons."

"Double date?" Adrien parroted, the words going in one ear and out the other. Nino could not possibly be suggesting what Adrien thought he was suggesting. "A date? With her? Nino, no, we are not doing that. I'm not doing that and she is _definitely_ not doing that. You don't have any idea what you're talking about. She would never agree to that." The idea of going on a date with Ladybug on its own was enough of a blind fantasy that he knew it would never happen. Going on a double date with Ladybug and Nino and Alya? Talk about fever dreams. Maybe he was still asleep. _That's it! I'm still sleeping!_

"She already did."

"I'm sorry. _What?_ "

Nino shrugged, baffled by Adrien's bafflement. "She already did." He held Adrien's converse out to him, obviously impatient to get the show on the road. "So let's go already!"

Numbly lacing up his shoes, Adrien tried to rationalize this situation the best he could. None of this made sense. "I'm blown away that you convinced her to do this. Are you a wizard? Did I slip in the shower and hit my head?"

"Okay, you got me," Nino laughed. "I didn't really convince her. Alya convinced her. Or uh, is probably still in the middle of convincing her right now. It doesn't matter, it's moot, the point is that this is happening whether the two of you like it or not."

"So we're just… going?" Adrien wondered meekly as he followed Nino helplessly through his labyrinth of a house. He grimaced as he imagined what sort of scathing remarks Plagg was saving up for later from inside his shirt. "Like this?" Or should he transform? Was he supposed to transform? Was Ladybug going to show up as Ladybug or as…?

"Yeah, just like this," Nino laughed. "For the love of god, Adrien, calm down. You look fine. This isn't as big a deal as you're making it into."

"Maybe not to you!"

Did Nino even realize that Chat and Ladybug had never once met each other outside costume before? That their identities were secret from each other? This was, as Nino would say, a hella big deal. The glare of the late morning sun assaulted their eyes as they snuck past Nathalie and stepped out of the house, but it didn't bother Adrien one bit. There was only one thing on his mind, scorching his skin from the inside out with the intensity of a supernova.

 _I'm about to meet Ladybug._

.

.

"Oh no."

"Oh no is right," Alya seethed, holding the newly discovered phone aloft from her seat on the bed as Marinette closed the trap door behind her. "How could you keep this from me?"

"You… you talked to him," Marinette realized. This was bad. Not only did Alya find the phone, the most damning of all Ladybug evidence, but she had called the number in it and had _spoken to Chat._ Oh, she was going to kill that cat. She told him those phones were a bad idea from the start!

"Of course I did," Alya said. "How could you keep this a secret? Why, Marinette? And from me, of all people!"

Marinette could tell her best friend was really struggling between emotions. Excitement and giddiness fought against hurt and confusion for domination on Alya's face. Yes, it was clear she had definitely realized by now that Marinette was Ladybug. No point hoping for a miracle here. Alya knew.

"I'm so sorry, Al. I wanted to tell you. I did!"

"Uh huh. And why didn't you?"

"I… it's a dangerous secret, Alya. Think about what might happen to me if everyone knew! And you're not exactly the most subtle person ever." Honestly. Marinette really did feel bad, but Alya was kidding herself if she thought that there was no reason for Marinette to have kept Ladybug a secret from the person who literally ran the Ladyblog.

Alya tapped her chin for a moment, staring at Marinette contemplatively. "I guess you're right," she sighed after a long, tense moment. "You could potentially get a lot of negative attention if you went public. Still," she added sadly. "I would have kept it a secret for you. We're best friends, Marinette."

"Well," Marinette shrugged manically, "now you know…"

"Yep. Now I know!" Like a switch, weepy Alya was gone and demon Alya was back. "And I am taking so much advantage of that knowledge that you are gonna wish you never met me, my darling Mari."

The look on Alya's face was borderline terrifying. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means get your shoes on, bitch, cause we're going on a double date!"

"What?!"

Alya leapt down off Marinette's bed and threw her old black flats at her, hitting her square across the chest. "Double! Date!" she chanted. "You, me, my boy, and your _super secret_ boy. Shoes! Now!"

"No way!" she blanched. "Me? And him? On a date? _In real life?_ You're not serious?" She drank in Alya's unbridled glee and melted to the ground in a puddle of folded limbs. "You're serious. You already invited him, didn't you?"

"Damn right I already invited himㅡand the boy was _thrilled_ so you better not flake out! Besides, if you do this for me, then I promise with my whole heart that I will take this secret to my grave."

Marinette groaned, clutching her flats to her chest. This could not be happening. "I can't meet him, Alya," she cried. This was too much too fast. She was scared. She was so scared she could barely breathe. "Not like _this_. I can't. I'm not ready."

"Girl, don't even try it." Marinette flinched, looking up from under her bangs to see that Alya was crouched in front of her, three inches from her face. "That is bullshit and you know it. You've been ready for this for years."

Marinette blinked at her, taken aback by the sheer unwavering force in Alya's voice. "Um…" A little voice in her heart sighed and gave way. "Okay."

"Say it."

"I said okay. Fine."

"Say it, Marinette."

"Ugh!" Marinette threw her hands up, knowing exactly what Alya wanted to hear. "It's a date!"

"Shoes!" Alya reminded her, then bolted downstairs.

Marinette slipped her shoes on as slowly as the laws of physics allowed, her ears ringing in the quiet left in the wake of Alya's departure.

"You don't have to do this," Tikki whispered from somewhere out of sight.

The crepes in Marinette's stomach were threatening to make a reappearance. "I think I do have to though?" she squeaked back without any real conviction.

It was true that she could just say no. Alya would never force her to do this if she didn't want to. Yet, Marinette also knew that Alya was not about to turn down the opportunity to meet Chat Noir; if Marinette refused to attend this impromptu date, she had every reason to think that Alya might go ahead and meet him without her. That was an outcome Marinette simply couldn't abide. There was no way in heaven or hell that anyone was going to meet the boy under Chat Noir's mask before Ladybug had a chance.

She wasn't happy about having her hand forced like this, but hey, life didn't always happen the way she expected it to. She'd never asked to be Ladybug, either, but where would she be now without Tikki? This would be okay. It would. It had to be, because no matter how she felt about the situation or about Alya's meddling, and no matter how unfair it was to be blind-sided this way, one thing was for certain.

 _I'm about to meet Chat Noir._

.

.

"Do you need a paper bag?" Nino joked. "You look like you're gonna hurl any sec."

"I'm fine," Adrien lied.

They were sitting on a barely dry bench in the center of the park as they awaited the rendezvous with Alya and Ladybug (or rather, Alya and whoever was under Ladybug's spots). The sky was spattered with clouds stretched thin enough to let the dazzling blue through but thickly enough to cover to harshest of the sunrays. The grass at the park was still wet from the 3am rain, and the chilly April breeze was slowly giving way to midday warmth. It was a good day to meet the love of hisㅡoh, who was he kidding? He needed that paper bag.

Nino's phone buzzed and Adrien couldn't help that his eyes gravitated immediately toward the sound. "Alya says they're here." Nino looked up. "I don't see them though… Scratch that, I think that's them way down the path."

Adrien shot up from his seat, fists clenched at his sides when he spied Alya waving, bouncing up and down like a five year old about a hundred yards away. And there, next to her, was Ladybug. Maybe on any other day he wouldn't have known it was her right away, but because he was expecting her, everything about the distant girl just screamed Ladybug. She wore her hair in a top bun and a loose flowing sundress covered in daisies, and although there was nothing about her nervous gait that particularly harkened of his spotted partner, he knew anyway. It was her. Walking toward him at a steady pace, her lowered face partially hidden behind her bangs, was Ladybug.

"Breathe, dude," Nino mumbled under his breath, and Adrien realized he was not, in fact, breathing.

A ways away still, Alya stopped waving and gave Marinette a gentle shove. "Look up, Mari, they're right over there."

Marinette squeezed her eyes shut, her face still angled at the cobblestones. "Can't. Don't wanna." _Oh my god, Chat is right in front of me and he's not wearing his mask._

"Please look up, Marinette." She asked a lot more gently this time. "The boy is looking at you like the sun itself is shining out of your every pore. You're gonna miss it."

Marinette snorted. She'd seen that look a thousand times before, so often that she could instantly picture the exact expression Alya was describing. But still, the idea of seeing that sparkly-eyed adoration on Chat's face, sans mask, was too tantalizing an offer to refuse. For once, Alya's goading worked.

Marinette looked up as they drew within ten feet of the boys, right into Adrien's shellshocked eyes.


	2. Part Two

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

ㅡGeorge Bernard Shaw

* * *

 _._

 _._

 _"_ _Please look up, Marinette." She asked a lot more gently this time. "The boy is looking at you like the sun itself is shining out of your every pore. You're gonna miss it."_

 _Marinette snorted. She'd seen that look a thousand times before, so often that she could instantly picture the exact expression Alya was describing. But still, the idea of seeing that sparkly-eyed adoration on Chat's face, sans mask, was too tantalizing an offer to refuse. For once, Alya's goading worked._

 _Marinette looked up as they drew within ten feet of the boys, right into Adrien's shellshocked eyes._

.

.

' _Marinette?'_ Adrien mouthed wordlessly, at the same time that Marinette mouthed the word ' _Adrien?'_

Nino and Alya pretended to greet each other with a playful hug and kiss, while in actuality they were watching this glorious interaction unfold before their eyes. Unaware of their audience, Marinette and Adrien stared at each other for a solid ten seconds, total shock freezing them into statues. Shock at the mind-blowing mutual discovery of their partners' identities. Shock at Nino and Alya's freakishly casual response to the whole thing. Just, _shock_.

"Hi, Adrien," Marinette offered, clutching her hands together behind her back. His name tasted foreign and sweet on her tongue, like it was the first time she'd ever said it. Alya was right. The awe on Adrien's face suggested that Marinette's presence on this planet provided all the light of day, and perhaps the sparkle of the stars at night as well.

"Hi, Marinette." Vainly he tried to make heads or tails of the expression on her face. Was she happy? Stunned? Terrified?

"Well don't act all innocent _now_ ," Alya finally cut in, peeved that the two of them were pretending at unfamiliarity when she and Nino now knew better. "It's too late. We _found_ your secret phones, you little heathens! Or did you forget already? There's literally no point in pretending. We know you're dating, so you can drop the _I'm so nervous_ act already, sheesh."

 _Oh._

The discrepancy between the situation Nino and Alya were experiencing and the utterly different one they were experiencing clicked at the same time for both Adrien and Marinette. They looked from Alya to each other, and shared a rich, knowing glance that was far more 'Lady and Chat' than 'Adrien and Mari.' Three things were absolutely clear to them both in that instant.

One: They were Ladybug and Chat Noir, and they knew it.

Two: While this was obvious to Adrien and Marinette from the get-go, it was apparent now that Nino and Alya hadn't the faintest clue what they had uncovered. They had no idea they had just unwittingly introduced Ladybug and Chat Noir to each other. When Nino and Alya found their emergency-contact phones they connected all the wrong dots, wrongly assuming they had discovered an illicit relationship between Adrien and Marinette.

Three: Well, Adrien and Marinette were going to have to roll with that unless they wanted to explain the _real_ reason why they'd needed secret phones to contact each other.

As they came to these simultaneous conclusions via a series of very expressive facial cues, a careful calm replaced Adrien's wide-eyed panicky excitement. "Alya's right, Mari. I guess theㅡ"

"Don't."

Everyone looked at Marinette in surprise, who was glaring daggers at Chat. Or, at Adrien.

Adrien cocked his head at her, testing the waters. "I guess the cat'sㅡ"

"Don't you dare!" she interrupted.

A grin split across Adrien's face. If he'd had any slim doubt left about the nature of the misunderstanding, it was gone now. This was Ladybug, alright. "The cat's out of the bag!" he shouted in one breath, and fell to laughing as Marinette hauled off and hit him on the shoulder with her purse.

Alya gasped. "I never thought I'd see the day," she murmured to Nino.

"True that. Took long enough, too," Nino answered, loudly enough for the two in question to hear. "I mean, she's been crushing on you for like, three years, dude. Can't believe you didn't realize sooner."

Adrien's eyebrows shot up and Marinette immediately withdrew from her physical assault. He fawned over her with gentle amusement. "Aw, you had a crush on me?"

"No!" Marinette shouted, a bit too loudly. Alya and Nino both jumped in their skin, and Marinette had to forcibly remind herself that their friends did not know that Chat Noir and Ladybug were having it out right now. "I mean, yes," she caved, though she knew the Chat in him would never let her live it down. It was for the greater good. "But you had a crush on me too!" she accused when the smug look on her partner's face became too much to handle.

"That I did," Adrien positively purred, and leaned forward to place a loving kiss on Marinette's cheek. Marinette squeaked and her whole body tensed up. But Adrien lingered, moving past her cheek to whisper in her ear; his true intention all along. " _I love you, bug, but you're a terrible actress. Follow my lead. We'll get through this, okay?"_

"Uh-uh!" Alya shouted, ripping them apart with her bare hands at light speed, then hitting them each with an eyeful of scathing disapproval. "No more secrets! What sort of saucy secrets are you two lovebirds whispering about?"

Marinette could not answer. She could hear nothing but an echo, three words reverberating through her bones like the ghost of a bell recently rung. _I love you._ How could he have dropped that so casually?! _AHHHH!_

For his part, Adrien was not bluffing when he suggested she follow his lead. Contrary to the collected powerhouse that was Ladybug, the girl he knew underneath the mask was a bit of a spaz, and he could tell it was taking all she had not to fall to pieces, especially after Nino had revealed the juicy knowledge of her crush on Adrien. The reaction was understandable. Honestly, he himself felt a bit like his heart had metamorphosed into a butterfly (the good, non-magical kind, mind you) to the peak theme of Tchaikovsky's _Romeo and Juliet_ overture amidst fireworks and thunderous applause.

However, modeling was a branch of acting, and like it or not his father had shaped him from a very young age into a master of the craft. Granted, it was a silent and slow branch of acting. A branch that didn't require much quick thinking or improvisation. But his modeling experience combined with the fast-paced and frenzied world that he inhabited as Chat Noir helped him set aside his blind wonder at this incredible revelation for later.

Until he could get Marinette alone and properly freak out, he could keep his cool enough for the both of them.

"What?" Carefully structured puzzlement crossed his face as he addressed Alya. "I'm not allowed whisper sweet nothings to my girlfriend?"

"No, you're not!" Alya shouted, still clutching both her friends' shirt collars and vibrating in place with excitement. "You have to say it loud enough for me to hear so I have stuff to reference at your wedding!"

"Alya!" Marinette whined.

Seeing Marinette's increasing distress and deciding that Alya needed to be reigned in, Nino secured his arms around Alya's waist and lifted her off the ground, away from the other two. Alya kicked and fought all the way. "How long has this been going on, anyway?" Nino wondered, his voice wavering as he fought to keep ahold of their slightly insane friend.

"Three weeks," Marinette lied, as Adrien simultaneously offered up, "Three months." They looked at each other briefly, then spoke again, switching their answers.

Adrien put his hand on her arm when it was clear she was about to panic again. How had she managed to keep her secret for this long? The girl was a terrible liar. "It's complicated," Adrien said with a chuckle. "There's not really a clear start date, you know?"

"Why all the secrecy?" Alya demanded, finally wriggling free from Nino. She straightened the mussed up folds of her tucked in NYC tank top indignantly. "I mean I get it, I guess. You don't want your crazy model fans harassing her, which is actually pretty sweet. '

"Can't imagine Chloe would take the news too well," Nino pointed out.

"Right," Alya nodded. "But still, don't you think secret cell phones is a little extreme?"

"Maybe a little extreme," Adrien laughed. "But you have no idea what my father would do if he found out about it. In fact, I have no idea either. And I have no desire to find out, honestly. He could very well try to take this away from me, and I don't know what I'd do without…"

He trailed off emotionally, and Marinette realized with a start that he wasn't blowing smoke. He'd been talking about his role as Chat Noir, and as her partner. He'd been talking about Ladybug.

Luckily, Alya and Nino filled in the blanks themselves with the word ' _Marinette.'_ "Aww," they cooed in tandem.

Marinette eyed him, taking advantage of Alya and Nino's distraction to consider the fact that Adrien was a magnificent liar. She supposed he had to be, being Chat Noir, and with all those people around him trying to control his life as Adrien every second of every day. Judging by their veiled chit chat over late night patrols, she'd always suspected that Chat Noir had a harder time sneaking away from his civilian life. Clearly she'd been right, and those sharply honed skills of deception were sure coming in handy right now. She'd never been so grateful for Chat Noir's cool head in the face of calamity as she was in this moment.

Alya clapped her hands together, visibly switching gears. "Okay, now that we're all on the same page, can we go? I'm starving and I'm getting a caffeine headache."

"You need to cut back on coffee, babe. It's called addiction, and you have it."

"I can quit any time. I just don't want to."

"Where are we going?" Marinette asked as Nino and Alya beckoned them along the path.

"To that cafe just south of the park," Nino answered, "La Tasse sans Fond."

"Coffee sounds nice." Adrien smiled and held his hand out in an _after you_ gesture beside Marinette.

Marinette gaped at it like it was a live wire, biting her lip. Before he had time to wonder what exactly she was fretting about, she frantically tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and then placed her hand tentatively on his, so that the tips of her fingers were barely touching his.

"Yeah," she agreed shakily. "Coffee. Nice."

 _I see, she thought I was suggesting we hold hands since we're supposed to be secret lovers. And she was okay with that. Nervous, but okay. That's good!_ Bright, boundless warmth spread into his body, starting at his fingers where she was touching him and pooling in his chest like molten hydrogen. Before she could second guess herself and pull away, he curled his fingers into hers. Together they followed after their meddling friends.

Marinette duly ignored the way Alya and Nino stared over their shoulders at them, eyes flicking to their lightly entwined fingers. True, she was panicking a little, but not as much as she had always suspected she would if Adrien ever tried to hold her hand. Maybe it was because the freshness of the discovery made her feel more like she strolling next to Chat than next to Adrien. Or maybe it was because the necessity of pretending to be comfortable and affectionate assured her that Adrien was not going to suddenly throw her hand away and claim it had been a mistake. The security of knowing this allowed her some room to actually enjoy it. It helped that the soft crinkles at the corners of Adrien's eyes every time they met each other's' gaze told her he was enjoying it too.

He was. And he was glad that Nino and Alya were giving them a brief respite as they walked through the park toward La Tasse sans Fond. "When I was little," he told her quietly to help relieve the tension, "my mom always used to say that you could tell if two people were soulmates or not by the length of their arms."

"What?" Marinette looked up at him skeptically from beneath her bangs, and the butterfly where his heart was supposed to be flapped its wings. "How so?"

He allowed a bit of Chat to peak through, tightening his hand around hers and jostling it a bit to draw her attention that way. "She'd say, if they're meant to be together, then no matter how tall-or how short they are," he added pointedly, "their hands will rest at the perfect height for hand-holding."

With her mouth falling into a surprised little 'o,' Marinette looked at their hands, evaluating the merit of what he'd just told her. It hadn't occurred to her before, but the fact that their hands met at the exact same resting spot was actually a rather impressive coincidence, considering the radical differences in their heights. But his long arms and her short ones meant that neither had to adjust at all for the other. At the risk of sounding insufferably cliche, they were a perfect match.

That was such a flirty, over the top, _Chat_ thing to say. Yet somehow, within the context of Adrien's life and experiences, Chat's nuances and mannerisms rung more with sincerity than with the ostentatiousness she'd always assumed. As she considered this, she snapped her mouth shut. It struck her that neither Alya or Nino were listening to them right now, which meant that story hadn't been part of the 'secret lovers' ruse at all. It was just for her.

 _I love you too,_ Marinette almost blurted then and there. But somewhere between her brain and her mouth, Ladybug took over, and what she said was, "Did you just hit on me and call me short in the same breath?"

Somehow it pleased her when Adrien choked on his response.

Part of her realized that if their deception hinged on the fact that they didn't want to go public because of Adrien's fanbase, then they should probably stop holding hands. As soon as they entered the cozy cafe, bustling with customers, that display of affection began to conflict with the 'needs to be a secret' story they were trying to keep up with. But Marinette was weak and she simply could not summon to willpower to withdraw her hand. Neither could Adrien, although the uncertain look he gave her made it clear that he knew they probably should. Alya and Nino were both staring, obviously thinking how stupid they were for holding hands like that in public when they were both so adamant on keeping their relationship on the hush.

In the end they simply shook their heads and went to the counter to order, leaving Adrien and Marinette to stare up at the chalkboard menu.

"What would you like? I'm buying."

Marinette reddened at the question. "Oh, uh, I can pay for myself!" she squeaked. "Really, there's no need toㅡ"

"This is a date, remember?" he joked, as if she could have possibly forgotten. "Please, Marinette."

"I don't think I…"

"Marinette," he whined.

"Oh, cut the poor guy some slack, Mari." Alya had returned to them with a receipt in hand. "Look at this delicate fragile starchild. He's like a baby penguin. Look at him. Just let him have this."

"Okay, alright, fine!" she relented. _Baby penguin? Try baby cat. "_ But I'm paying next time."

The words were out there before she had fully considered the implication. By then it was too late. Adrien's face lit up and he practically dragged her by the hand to the counter. "Deal," he agreed vehemently. _Next time! She said next time! There's going to be a next time!_

When they had gotten their lattes and danishes, they went to find Alya and Nino at the back of the cafe; they were sitting on two chairs facing a wide window that overlooked the park across the road, with a tiny grated table in front of them. On the other side of the table was a single big puffy armchair that rested against the decorated window glass. Marinette and Adrien looked at each other with a mutual sigh. There were no other free tables in the cafe, and no more chairs to spare, which left them with only one option.

Sharing.

Their friends had _definitely_ arranged this on purpose.

But maybe it was for the better. Marinette had to admit, if only to herself, that she was in way over her head here. And as they squeezed into the armchair together, the close proximity to Chat (who maybe coincidentally was also Adrien, but that was a problem for a different brain-compartment in a separate thought-train) was doing wonders to boost her courage.

It should have been awkward, considering they were not actually dating, but it wasn't. It was easy. Natural, even, they way they fit together, compensating by adjusting their weight until they puzzle-pieced their way into the chair. After all, they'd been trapped in tighter corners together. If they could throw down with Hawkmoth's worst, what was a little game of white lies among harmless friends? She trusted Chat to carry her through this, and she trusted Adrien not to throw her feelings into the crossfire. _Follow my lead,_ he had said. He was always following hers; so just this once, she would gladly hand him the reigns.

Adrien, meanwhile, had gone radio silent in his head the moment Marinette sidled in beside him. From her ankles all the way up to her shoulder she was pressed against him, and it was doing dangerous things to his bpm.

"So," Nino prompted, watching the hilarious sight of his friends trying to get into the armchair together without sitting on top of each other, scarcely containing the laughter threatening to burst out of his chest at his stroke of genius. (Yes, the chair thing was his idea. Alya was going to thank him profusely for that later.) "I think me and Alya are both wondering how the hell this happened."

"Yes!" Alya hummed behind her coffee. "I demand the deets, girl. How did this miracle come to be when you could hardly even talk to the boy without having an aneurysm?"

"Oh, uhh…" Marinette scooted up to the edge of the armchair so she could reach the table in front of her, the whole left side of her body brushing Adrien's on the way, who had his right arm up on the back of the chair so as to afford Marinette as much room as he possibly could. This was difficult, seeing as he was a foot taller than her now and had the lean, imposing limbs of an olympic swimmer. "Funny story!" she laughed, making a grab at her danish and almost knocking it to the floor. "Adrien?" _Chat, help me._ "Do you want to tell it?"

"Actually," Adrien intervened, leaning forward to offer Marinette a napkin. Her coffee was spilling all over her hand and she didn't seem to have realized. "Would you guys mind if we didn't get into all that right now? It's… kind of personal, and the relationship is still pretty new. I think you might be embarrassing Marinette a bit."

 _Kind of new?_ Marinette fought down a bark of laughter at the raw truth of that statement. Apparently Adrien was the master at lying through half-truths. _Yep, totally new. Only twenty minutes old!_ "Me?" she said out loud. "Embarrassed? Never!"

"Fine, fine," Alya relented, chortling at the ridiculousness of Marinette's claim. "Don't think I'm letting this go, though. Just for today, since your boyfriend asked so nicely." Adrien was about to thank her for that when she ruthlessly switched tactics. "I'll just ask other questions," she said demurely.

Beside Marinette, Adrien shifted uncomfortably. "Okay, is this a date or did we unknowingly agree to an interrogation?"

"Honey, you knowingly agreed to an interrogation when you agreed to be friends with me," Alya shot back, stirring an extra two packets of sugar into her double-espresso coffee.

"It's true," Nino lamented. "There was a waiver and everything. Don't you remember signing it?"

With a slight frown, Adrien surveyed the swirling cream at the top of his mug, trying to decide if it was cool enough to drink yet. "I don't remember that," he admitted thoughtfully.

Marinette rolled her eyes, sloshing yet another wave of coffee onto her hand. "Oh honestly, kitten, you're so gullible. They're messing with us." All too late she realized her mistake and decided to fill her mouth with an oversized bite of raspberry danish before she could shove her foot any farther in there.

Alya met her eyes and mouthed the word ' _kitten?'_ at her incredulously. Marinette pretended not to see.

Nino didn't really notice the nickname, but he did take notice of Adrien's reaction to itㅡthe gobsmacked lovelorn amazement that suddenly swept across his best friend's face. "You don't have to tell us how it happened," Nino said slowly. "But I'm still really curious. Do you guys just text a lot or what? You don't really hang out that much at school, as far as I can tell."

"We hang out mostly at night," Marinette said quickly. Adrien shook with silent laughter beside her, and she grinned at him. Two could play at the half-truths game. Sure they hung out at night. On rooftops, fire escapes, in back alleys, the topside of towers, sometimes hurtling through the air as they fought to save Hawkmoth's latest victim...

"Just when I thought this couldn't get more scandalous!" Alya crowed.

Nino shook his head in disbelief. "You two are like, the epitome of secret love affairs. I hope you know that."

"Seriously," Alya agreed. "This is the best day of my life. I can finally check 'get you two together' off my to do list! Now all I need is to get Ladybug and Chat Noir hooked upㅡthen I can quit my day job and become a professional matchmaker."

"Probably shouldn't quit your day job," Nino threw out there, though Alya chose not to hear.

"But really," Alya went on hopefully. "Did any of my psycho meddling actually help get you guys together? Asking for a friend..."

Marinette and Adrien shared a quick glance (they were both a little stuck on the irony of Alya's previous statement about Lady and Chat) and then broke into enthusiastic nodding.

"Yep," Marinette trilled.

"Uhuh."

"Yeah."

"You definitely made this possible, Al."

"Would not have turned out this way without your meddling."

"Hear that babe?" Nino clapped Alya on the shoulder, wiping a fake tear from his eye. "Y done it. You did the impossible."

Alya shrugged in response, although her grin suggested pride. "I dunno, I don't think it was ever as impossible as I thought. I mean look at you guys." She gestured at them across the table with loving disgust. "You're so… comfortable. How the fudge did you hide this? Unless… oh, is it like… just casual?" She whispered the last two words like she was uttering an obscenity.

"Yeah," Nino added. "Are you guys like, serious, or what?"

Adrien looked down at Marinette and for once was just as lost for an answer as she was. He shrugged at her and she shrugged back and they both grew redder until Alya finally intervened by whacking Nino on the back of the head. "Sheesh, Nino, you can't just ask people if they're serious!"

Nino pulled a face. "What! You basically asked the same exact thing!"

"I asked with more tact."

He caught her hand as she went in for another whack. "So help me god woman I will _take that coffee away_ if you touch my hat again."

Alya hissed and raised her coffee out of Nino's reach. It was a good thing they had become so preoccupied with their argument that they didn't notice Adrien and Marinette having yet another silent conversation via intense facial expressions. Unable to actually voice their questions for each other, they were reduced to simply gesturing and making confused faces until finally they came to some sort of tentative agreement.

"Yes," Marinette said hesitantly, and sighed with relief when Adrien too was visibly relieved. So she hadn't misinterpreted his frantic facial expressions after all. "We're serious."

Adrien nodded gently, and brought his arm from the top of the chair to rest reassuringly at her back. He did not want Alya and Nino thinking he was just messing Marinette aroundㅡand besides, with their newfound knowledge of their identities he had a feeling they were going to be hanging out a lot more. 'Dating' was the perfect cover. Plus… he was desperately hoping that they would _actually_ be dating by the end of this crazy day.

Alya and Nino paused in their rambunctious coffee-wrestling. "Oh," Nino said.

"So you gonna go public or what?" Alya pressed excitedly. "Can't keep all this," she gestured at Adrien's arm around Marinette, "a secret forever if you're serious."

Adrien flushed, but if anything he tightened his arm around her waist. "We know."

"Oh crap," Nino cut in, checking the time on his phone. "Late for rugby. Almost forgot, what with all this secret cell phone slash double date stuff. You still coming to the practice, babe?"

Alya sighed, but gathered up her bag. "Yeah, yeah. I gotta get some blog stuff done. Besides, I think these two cuties need time to recover from our assault."

"Ain't that the truth." Marinette set her empty coffee cup down, wondering how it had disappeared so quickly, in order to let Alya hug her on her way out of the shop.

"Don't think we're done talking about this, Marinette Dupain-Cheng!" Alya called over her shoulder as she walked away. "I will be calling you later!"

Regardless of the looming threat of Alya's follow-up phone call, both Marinette and Adrien sat in relieved silence as Alya and Nino made their way to the exit and paused at the door for one last gleeful wave. Only when they were finally gone did Adrien and Marinette breathe. They both sunk down a couple inches in their seat, tension evaporating from their shoulders. As if on cue they turned to meet each other's eyes at the same time.

"Well," Adrien said. "That was absolutely terrifying."

And Marinette burst out laughing.

She laughed long, and she laughed hard, and it only took a minute for Adrien to fall helplessly into a laughing fit too, because her laughter was the contagious kind that snuck its way into your chest. They collapsed onto each other, nearly falling out of the armchair in the process. It was the kind of doubled over, cramp inducing, tear jerking, cheek aching kind of laugh that only happens once a year and only with the people you love the most. They finally hiccupped into silence when a cashier slunk over to let them know, with an apologetic grimace, that some customers had complained about the noise. Marinette was still wiping the uninvited tears of laughter from her eyes when Adrien placed a gentle hand on her knee where her sundress ended. She looked at it, stricken afresh with the seriousness of the situation now that their brief bout of madness had subsided.

"Are we gonna be okay?" he asked, fingers denting her skin ever so slightly. There was so much to say, but for whatever reason that was the question that tumbled out first. He had to know.

More shyly than he'd thought humanly possible for Ladybug (that is, before he knew she was Mari, the shyest person alive) Marinette rested her hand atop his. "Yes." But then she met his gaze unfalteringly, and the shyness was gone. In its place was the bulldozer confidence that he knew with incredibly intimacy. "We'll be okay."

"Cool," Adrien breathed, but didn't remove his hand because hers was still resting on it. "Do you, um… At the risk of sounding like a walking cliche, do you maybe want to get out of here? Because I think we pissed some people off with all that laughing but I don't think I could stand it if this date ended right now."

"Oh! Uh, yeah. Yeah, okay. I'd love to." She didn't know what she had expected. (Maybe for him to sprint away on all fours after the threat of discovery was behind them; she had definitely pictured that at least once.) But this was much better than that.

As they walked out into the cloud-filtered sunshine, Marinette slowed to a stop, causing Adrien to lose sight of her and double back with a look a brief concern. For a second he was sure she was going to throw up, and he wondered if perhaps there'd been something wrong with her danish. But then she cleared her throat and raised her chin.

"Adrien, before we dive into this conversation, I think it's only fair for me to tell you that I love you too."

She breathed out a huge breath and grinned wide with relief. There! She said it. And it had been so much easier than she'd ever thought! No wonder he'd been able to say it so casually earlier. It wasn't so scary when she knew he loved her too. Except…

"Adrien?" she worried. He looked shellshocked. Had she had jumped the gun? Had she misunderstood?

"Too?" he parroted numbly.

"Yeah," she managed. "You said…" She didn't imagine that. He definitely said it. But did he _mean_ it, though?

Adrien was confused beyond belief. He'd been working up the courage to say the words I love you for three long years. How did he say it without realizing? And when?! "I do love you!" he assured her, taking note of her rising panic. "I do! I really, really do," he pressed, taking her shoulders firmly in hand. "I just? Don't? Remember? Saying it?" Seriously. Three years he'd been working up the courage, and his unfilterable Chat mouth had apparently spat it out without Adrien even realizing.

Marinette's quiet heartbreak changed into amusement. "You definitely said it," she deadpanned. "You said, verbatim: I love you, bug, but you're a terrible actress."

Adrien nearly collapsed right there outside La Tasse sans Fond. " _Oh my god,"_ he hissed at himself. " _I did say that."_

"It's okay," Marinette giggled as Adrien visibly careened toward a total meltdown. "I just thought I should put it out there, since you so _tactfully_ said it first. All the cards are on the table now."

That calmed him down somewhat. "You know, in poker, when all the cards are on the table it usually means that someone just won."

"Are you implying something romantic about us?"

The distance between them had shrunk, though neither was sure who was responsible for that. "LB," he whispered, quietly enough that no passerby could have heard, "when am I _not_ implying something romantic about us?"

That was a rhetorical question, to which the obvious answer was 'hardly ever.' Marinette batted her eyelashes at him (quite unintentionally; she was merely nervous) and worried at her lower lip, aware that Adrien was slowly making his way there.

"You don't have to imply," she said shyly as his hands brushed against her hips and then flattened out, guiding her ever closer. "We could… you know." She struggled over the words.

An inch from her lips now, he tried not to laugh. "Go public?" he helped, mimicking Alya's word choice.

"Yeah," Marinette giggled back.

"I don't think my heart could handle anything less," he admitted, and punctuated the sentence with a light kiss.

It was a gentle, affectionate gesture, and yet Marinette reacted to it as strongly as if he'd lit a fuse on a rocket. Her hands flew up to cup both sides of his jaw and pull him even closer, persuading the polite, gentlemanly kiss he'd tried to give her into the stomach-coiling, toe-curling kiss she'd always wanted to give him.

Adrien's whole world came to a stop for her as she explored the thinnest of boundaries left between them. It was strange to him, this shy confidence, like she herself didn't quite know where Ladybug stopped and Marinette began. Boldly she tilted his head with her hands, her intentions crystal clear, and used her lips to part his. Yet she paused there with her tongue barely touching his lower lip, like she was suddenly afraid to go where he knew she wanted to go.

So, as Chat always had and always would, he met Ladybug halfway and gave her a push. The tiniest of sounds escaped her throat when his tongue touched hers.

It worked, and Marinette jumpstarted to life again, goosebumps racing up her arms as Adrien tilted his head even further and ran his tongue slowly across hers. Languidly. Almost like he was memorizing the landscape of it, the taste of her, like she was a priceless delicacy he might get to enjoy only once. In the end it was Marinette who had to pull away, because Adrien had lost all sense of time and space the moment they started kissing.

"We should probably go somewhere," she said, her voice as shaky as her legs. "I think maybe we have a lot to talk about."

"Yeah," Adrien sighed, and rested his forehead on hers. He may have fantasized about kissing Marinette on occasion, but he'd never in his wildest dreams pictured anything like that. Marinette was more than just Ladybug, that was for damn sure. She was his best friend. His other half. His _soul mate._ "First things first." He took her hand automatically as they turned east and began to walk toward no particular destination. "We're gonna need a pretty good 'how we got together' story to satiate Alya and Nino. And everyone else, for that matter."

"Mostly Alya," Marinette lamented.

He was right. They needed a story so perfect and so believable that Alya wouldn't find any flaws or plot holes. Both their secrets now rode on this secret lovers lie. She curled her fingers into his, astounded by how insanely easy it was to get used to all of this. Maybe there should have been some sort of learning curve. Maybe there would have been, if not for the insane circumstance of the reveal. "I've found half-truths are easiest to maintain and remember," she said.

"I agree, and I think I've got something. How's this…"

* * *

Stay tuned for the epilogue (to be posted on Sunday)!

The 'La Tasse sans Fond' cafe translates to 'The Bottomless Mug' and is a reference to another ongoing story of mine, The Grave of the Phoenix (though that one is much more serious than this jaunty fic).


	3. Epilogue

"Wait, start over!" Rose pleaded, having just hauled Juleka all the way from across the courtyard to hear the story Adrien and Marinette had told seven and a half times already this morning. "Please! Juleka hasn't heard yet and she's been saying you guys were perfect for each other for years!"

Juleka's jaw dropped at the news. "It finally happened?" There was a chorus of confirmation from the small crowd of friends that was currently gathered around Adrien and Marinette.

"Come on, just tell it one more time," Alix prodded, jamming her elbow into Adrien's side. "It's literally sickening how cute it is," she whispered to Juleka with a toothy grin.

"You guys are ruthless," Marinette whined, still struggling to remove herself from Alya's gleeful iron clutches. (She had latched on after the first telling of the story and had flatly refused to let go, for fifteen minutes now and counting.)

"We were both in love with each other without realizing," Adrien told Juleka, although the rest of the crowd squeezed in close too, hanging off his every word as though it were storytime around a campfire. "It's kinda complicated. See, Marinette and I became friends a few years ago through one of the earliest Ladybug and Chat Noir forumsㅡ"

"ㅡlet _go of me_ , Al, you're squeezing too hardㅡ!"

Alya squeezed harder. "I still can't believe you were visiting other LadyNoir blogs. Cheating harlot."

"It was a message board!" Marinette shrieked, then bit Alya savagely on the arm. "It wasn't even a blog!"

Finally retreating, Alya wiped her now wet Arm on Nino.

"Anyway," Adrien continued blithely, with the unmistakeable air of someone who had witnessed that seven and a half times already this morning. "It quickly turned into a full blown penpals kind of thing, and we grew to be best friends without ever realizing who it was that we were talking to. Usernames, you know. I know it sounds crazy but we've talked online every single day sinceㅡwell, since the day before we met in real life, actually." He paused there, realizing for the first time since the reveal two days ago that he had met Ladybug a full day before he met Marinette.

"No way," Juleka said, her eyes wide and captivated.

"What!" Alya screamed. "Wait, you didn't say that you met online _before_ you met in real life! You mean you technically already knew each other when you met?"

Marinette shied away from Alya's electrifying eye contact, taking refuge under Adrien's arm as he offered it. "Yeah," she agreed. "He's right, it was exactly one day before Adrien's first day at school. I didn't realize that till just now."

"So what happened next?" Juleka prompted.

"Oh," Adrien laughed. "Well, I fell in love with her. The girl I was friends with online, I mean. She never took me seriously though, because all the while, _Marinette_ was in love with _me_ in real life." He paused for a moment to laugh and nuzzle the top of her head with his nose. "You can imagine how much we were kicking ourselves over that when we figured it out. We totally wasted the last three years chasing each other's tails! When we accidentally discovered the truth about who we were, it all just clicked, you know?"

"Aww," the crowd sighed as Marinette pressed a kiss to his cheek, eternally grateful that he had offered to do all the talking. She would _not_ have survived this otherwise.

"Right on the money, Alix," Juleka agreed with a loving smile. "Totally sickening."

"You two are goals," Chloe said, and everyone's jaw dropped at once.

A hushed silence fell, and Chloe, always begging for people to stare at her, at last had her wish granted. Feeling all eyes on her with her sixth sense (vanity) she looked up from her cat-collecting phone app and rolled her eyes. "What?" she trilled with a mote of irritation. "I may not be one of Marinette's cheerleaders," (she pointed at Rose, who was bouncing in place with uncontainable glee) "but that story is legendary."

"Hate to say it," Nino piped up. "But Chlo's right. That is some Shakespeare shit. I mean, I already thought you guys made a good couple, but that story takes this to a level I cannot even comprehend."

Chloe rolled her eyes again and went back to purchasing toys for her seventeen virtual cats with her dad's credit card info. "AKA, legendary. God it's like you people aren't even listening to me."

And they weren't. Because Mylene had just asked how they felt when they first realized the truth.

They met each other's eyes and spoke at the same time.

"Delighted," Adrien said while Marinette said "Terrified." They laughed and cleared their throats, then spoke again, switching their answers.

"I think in America they call that love," Nathaniel spoke up, which elicited a short bark of laughter from Chloe (although she quickly covered it up with a cough).

"You know what's amazing?" Rose said. "Most people only get to meet once. You guys got to meet three times! First online, then at school, and then for a third time when you finally had a complete picture of each other!"

"That's true," Marinette said. "I guess we're pretty _lucky_ , huh Adrien?"

"What?" Adrien blinked, snapping out of some internal reverie. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you Mari. I was trying to decide whether to say _good things come in threes_ , or _love at third sight_."

"I think you should try again," Marinette winked. "After all, _the third time's the charm._ "

"Marry me," he sighed.

(And eventually she did.)


End file.
